I Had a Stroke…. Now All I Can Do Is Think and Write

I don’t know what to do. On Monday I had a stroke. I’m 40 years old and I had a stroke. What am I supposed to do? I don’t know if this is how everyone feels… but these are the thoughts that keep running through my head:

  • I feel like a California seismologist, I’m just waiting for the “Big One”
  • Phrases like “I’ll get that next time” terrifies me because I don’t know if there will be a next time.
  • I can be fine one minute and then struck with fear and start crying for no reason at any moment.
  • Sometimes I feel like nothing happened, and then I remember… Then I get sad that I’m forever going to be a “survivor”
  • Sometimes I think “I’m not going to let this beat me, I can rise above it and be better than ever” but then I wonder if I really can, I mean physical able to.
  • I felt fine during the stroke and the 2 days in the hospital after, then I have felt like crap. I find that now I get winded and have to stop walking on the way to the car from the train. I feel super wiped out now too. I’m not sure if it’s the stroke after effects or maybe the medication.
  • When the doctors say rest and take it easy, I don’t know what they mean.
  • I know that worrying about what happens next isn’t going to change what might happen in the future… but I still can help it.